Getting up in the mornings is always a struggle. My body is stiff and aches like I did a strenuous workout routine the night before. My mind grapples to accept that it is another day for me to get through. All I want to do is fall back asleep; usually though, once I’m awake, I’m awake. Despite feeling like I got three hours of sleep, my body refuses to go back to sleep. My husband leaves for work and I try desperately to fall back asleep, pleading with my body for just a few more moments of sleep before finally surrendering and accepting that I am up for the day. Of course, ‘up’ usually means parked on the couch, at least for a bit while I force myself to come to terms with being awake. My meds are all tucked away in a bin by the couch, waiting for me to take them once I have completely woken up. Even after I swallow all my pills, I often still need a minute or two more on the couch, before attempting anything else.
My house is a mess again. Or perhaps I should just say that it is a mess still. It never seems to get completely clean, despite it always being a weekly goal. This week, I got some more bins and containers from the dollar store, so I’m hoping to at least put a dent in the mess and get some organizing done. The pantry cabinets already look so much better with all the food stashed in bins.
This past weekend consisted of three days that had activities and events in them which means my body is extra angry at me this week. Saturday, we celebrated my sister’s birthday and Father's day with my family, which was lovely but taxing on me. Sunday, we celebrated Father’s day with my husband’s - again, a lovely time, but exhausting. Monday, we had to trek to a doctor’s appointment for Vance and make a few other stops. By the time we made it home, my back was throbbing and I took the entire afternoon to rest and try to recover from the past three days. The past three days were hardly strenuous, yet for my body, it was a lot. . . made evident by the aching tight muscles all over, especially in my lower back.
Today, my back muscles are extra sore in addition to the ‘normal’, daily ache set with in my body that feel something akin to the body aches that accompany a bad flu. I want to clean the house but I also know I need to be careful not to overexert or overextend myself today. I will have to pace myself and use moderation when cleaning. Cleaning always involves lots of resting breaks.
I am still figuring out life and how to live it now, with my current symptoms. Although I have been sick for ten years, it has progressed quite a bit the past two years and my life is now completely different than it once was. Things that I could manage with little to no difficulty are now mountains I have to scale. What once was easy is now difficult. However, I am slowly but surely figuring out how to adapt. I have found that currently, my body cannot tolerate heat or warm environments. I spend the majority of my days parked in front of our air conditioner. Summer, a season that to me, has always been associated with adventures and fun and the outdoors, has become a season of difficulty for me. Most days cannot tolerate the heat or the sun during the day. This is somewhat common to my autoimmune disease, so I have to assume that is why my body is reacting the way it is to the heat. Even the evenings are sometimes too warm for me to venture outside on a walk. I miss the outdoors and I have yet to find a solution that allows me to spend time outside when it's hot out.
I have, however, found solutions for some of the difficulties that have popped up the past couple of years. One of the most helpful solutions and adaptations for me right now is to use a chair in the shower now. My husband, upon me complaining one evening about how a shower would help me feel better but I was too fatigued to stand in it, pointed to a metal chair and suggested I use it. His idea has proved to be quite helpful. I can now shower each day and not feel like passing out from the exertion. my ice pack and heating pad that was gifted to me by my parents last Christmas are some of my closest companions, solutions to lessen my discomfort. My trusty ice pack often accompanies me on car rides to keep me from becoming too overheated. My heating pad eases my tight and sore muscles when nothing else will help.
Life is complicated and messy right now. I have a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. I have a lot of fears and doubts and uncertainty. Yet, I am slowly making progress and for that I am thankful. I do not know what the future holds. . . But I do know who holds my future and I know that He is faithful, merciful, and full of grace. So, I am trying to set my eyes on Him and His great love and continuous faithfulness. I fail at that a lot. But, He is a patient God and each time I waver, He remains faithful
