The best year of my life; the worst year of my life - 2018

2018 has been simultaneously the best and worst year of my life.  Many people know why it has been the best year of my life.  I married my best friend this past year and he is now stuck with me for life.  Our wedding was the most beautiful, and fun day and we couldn't have asked for a better wedding honestly.  It was perfection.  We spent a magical honeymoon in Santa Cruz where we fell in love with the location and the people and lifestyle there.  We have been married seven months now and while they have been a rocky seven months, filled with a lot of difficulties, neither of us can imagine life without the other.  

Not a lot of people know why it has been the worst year for me though.  In September of 2018, I suffered a mental breakdown.  My mental health went haywire and I ended up in a psych ward, where I was held for four days. My depression, which I have struggled with for many years, paired with many different stressors in my life, including my toxic work environment and simply adjusting to married life, all came to a head and I was in the lowest point of my life.  I came extremely close to carrying out a plan to end my life and, with the extra persuasion of my family, I sought help.  After four days in a psych ward that carried out illegal proceedings and offered almost no support for their patients other than shoving meds down their throats (shout out to Woodland Memorial Hospital's psych-ward) I returned home and was able to actually get help through my counselor and my psychiatrist.  I was on temporary disability for three months while I sought out answers and recovered. I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which explains the extreme mood swings that I have experienced for many years and I am on medication which has helped immensely along with counseling, which I highly recommend.

In addition to my mental health breakdown, my entire body has decided that enough is enough.  Having struggled with an undiagnosed illness for ten years, my body has hit a new low, protesting loudly about it's sick self.  I am in physical pain almost every waking hour of the day, all day, every day.  My muscles and joints all scream at me loudly and incessantly, begging for relief.  I also struggle with chronic fatigue, which plagues me, again, almost every single day, all day, every day.  It is somewhat like an extreme bad case of the flu where your entire body aches and feels heavy and exhausted.....except it never ends. These symptoms are not new.  I've experienced them for ten years, as I mentioned above.  However, over the last few months, my body's protest has become louder and more debilitating.  It is a struggle to lift myself out of bed and more days than not now, I am unable to go into work.  Because of this, I am losing my health insurance through my employer as I am not working enough hours to remain on it.  My mental health is affected by this as well, as the constant pain and fatigue takes it's toll on my mind.  There are days where I almost wish I had carried out my plan of suicide because the physical pain and fatigue that wracks my body is so overwhelming.  I spend a lot of time in bed.  In fact, I am typing this post from my bed, where I sit with a heating pad on my back, having been unable to make it into work once again.  When the holidays are over, I will be setting up an appointment with a rheumatologist to continue to seek answers. I am both hopeful and yet skeptical, a product of going ten years with no answers. The three suspects currently are fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, and myalgic encephalomyelitis, two of which are not easy to diagnose.  

In the midst of this, I also suffered an early miscarriage.  There is no 'solid proof' that what I experienced was a miscarriage as I didn't go to the doctor afterwards.  All I know is that there was a positive pregnancy test and then there was not and I was bleeding heavily, heavier than I ever have experienced during my regular cycle, and there was a lot of clotting.  There is some room, I suppose, for someone to argue that what I experienced was not a miscarriage.  But I know in my heart that it was and even though I had been unaware of the pregnancy beforehand and even though I know that we were not ready for a baby yet, I mourned over the loss and still do from time to time.  It amazes me how common miscarriages and 'chemical pregnancies,' as they call early miscarriages, are and yet how little it is talked about and how hushed such talk is of such things. 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage while chemical pregnancies/miscarriages account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. On top of that, the chances of having a miscarriage in the majority of healthy women an average of 15-20% (American Pregnancy Association).  All that to say, it is much more common than most would expect because it is a taboo subject that few seem to either be comfortable talking about (which is understandable) and few seem to think they can talk about it and are sometimes ashamed to speak of it.  I often hesitate to talk about it (in fact, few know I experienced it) because I feel like I have no right to as it was not medically confirmed.  But here I am, baring and exposing all because that's what I do best I suppose.

My husband has been amazing on this bumpy, rough journey.  Our finances are shot and he is struggling to juggle between working extra hard to provide for us, taking care of housework because I am often unable to do so myself, and taking care of me, all while trying to take care of his own health, both physical and mental.  All of this has put an immense strain on our marriage.  Marriage is a huge adjustment all on it's own, with the first year of marriage being difficult and somewhat tumultuous  (something they don't tell you or prepare you for much) even without added the added stress and strain of financial issues, psych wards, and health issues. However, the support that we have been shown from both our families has been tremendous and my eyes are damp as I type this because of all of their support and love.  Vance has been such a trooper as he attempts to juggle so many things at once and we have both fought for our marriage to be and remain strong and healthy.  In the midst of the pain and stress and fear and unknown, there is goodness and kindness and love and hope.  God has held us firmly in His hands, sustaining us and breathing His sweet life into us.  Indeed, without Him, this story would be a very different story and it is very likely that I would not be here to tell it.  Even were I hear to tell the story, it would be a story void of hope.  I am so grateful and thankful for the hope that we have in Him and the love and support we are shown by our families.  This year has been a topsy turvy year, filled with such highs and lows but God has been there with us through them all.  As the new year fast approaches, I am filled with hope.  I know that the new year will not begin with me being instantly healed and our troubles will not disappear just because 2018 has come to an end, but I am hopeful as I look to the new year, holding fast to the things in life that mean the most to me and that I know will always be there for me, the people who will always be in my corner - God, my family, and my husband.  I don't need anything more than that.    

What do you value most in life?

I wrote the following piece after watching the documentary 'Take Your Pills' on Netflix.. Most of the material in this writing piece is a reflection on the facts presented in the documentary as well as what I have seen in my own life and the lives of those around me.

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The culture that we live in today in America is all about results and speed.  The obsession with bigger, faster, better results has resulted in a nation of people hooked on opioids and stimulants.  Opioids drown out pain and ‘contain’ the stress, while stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin allow people to keep up with the never ended workload demands.  This has led to the question of how to find healthier and more natural ways to enhance the mind and body and many companies are now selling brain enhancers and supplements.  However, are mind enhancers and supplements really the solution? While the mind is an amazing organ with great potential and seeking to strengthen it to reach full potential is not necessarily harmful (rather, it can be, of course, beneficial) the constant need for bigger, better, and faster results in society and especially in the workforce creates a community of people being pushed beyond healthy limits.

What if the solution to this opioid and stimulant crises that this nation is facing is not simply a different way to enhance the mind or numb the pain? Perhaps instead, it would be more beneficial to take a step back from the fetish this country has with constant busyness, success, and productivity and refuse to participate in it any longer.  Maybe instead of seeking out ways to keep up with such a chaotic and exhausting system, seeking ways to ‘fit in’ to a system that demands so much of oneself (and demands more than oneself has to offer on their own) one should simply cut the chaos out of their lives In essence, what if individuals stopped running themselves ragged in order to keep up with the demands of society to perform better, faster, and more - a system that has driven people to stimulants in order to keep up with such demands and opioids to numb pain and stress?  What if, instead, individuals stopped and evaluated what it is they care about most in life and what they view as most valuable and meaningful in life, and poured their energy into that? For instance, if one finds that family and friends, writing, and time spent in nature is what they value most, then one can put those at the top of the list and cut out the things that are less valuable to them. If one finds computer programming, video games, and music to be at the top of their list of things they value, then they can put those above other things in life and cut out the things that are less meaningful to them.  This does not mean abandoning duties or responsibilities in life but rather, cutting out unnecessary aspects of life that society has pressured one to take part in because it is the ‘normal’ thing to do. While work is an important and necessary aspect of life, when other valuable and meaningful parts of our life begin to suffer from how much we invest into work, the question that must be answered is, “Is this worth it”? If one places what they most value at the top of their priorities, then these are the things that one's time will be most spent. All other aspects of life will filter down below the things one most values, there to partake in if time allows after focusing on the aspects of life that one most esteems rather than focusing and spending time on so many activities in life that hold no meaning or value to a person. When one focuses on so many expectations and duties in life that hold no meaning to them other than societal norms, it is not wonder that one would turn to stimulants, opioids, and brain enhancers to cope with such a cluttered and busy life.  Perhaps it is time for people to step back and slow down and declutter their lives and throw societal norms and pressures aside and focus on what truly matters to each of them individually.

On Strong Willed and Vocal Women. . .

I have always been a very strong willed and vocal female.  Sometimes, it can get me in trouble.  My strong will, vocalness, and stubbornness can lead me astray and I am not always in the right. But, my strong personality can also be a blessing and stronghold in my life, holding me fast to my values, standards, and morals and keeping me grounded upon what I hold to be true and right.  While people do not always like my determination and strong, loud, vocal opinions, it shaped me into a very strong person.  I am far from narrow minded, almost always willing to be open minded on a subject and I try to be open to the possibility that I may be wrong about things.  But, I also do not back down from what I find to be true.  I have a fierce love for people and a 'mama bear' personality that is always down to fight for the outcasts....even when no one else will.  I am thankful that God has given me such a strong and stubborn will.  It provides a firm foundation when it is aligned with His word and His values, a foundation I can stand upon without backing down.  It could be easy to become discouraged and seek to mute myself, my personality, and my character in order to be accepted by others.  It is definitely tempting to stifle and quiet myself to blend into what others would have me to be.  Strong and vocal women are often dubbed as 'bitches'.  We are viewed as hardened, uptight, even narrow-minded.  Fellow strong willed, vocal women, know this - You are not 'hard'.  You are not a 'bitch'.  You are strong individuals, sculpted and molded into the women you are today by your loving Creator.  Jesus was a vocal individual too.  The religious leaders of His day called him a heretic.  They did not appreciate or welcome His vocal 'opinions'.  While Jesus spent time with sinners and criminals and undesirables and stood up for these people, the religious leaders, the so called 'men of God', tried to quiet Him.  They tried to smother out His voice too.  But they could not.  Fellow women of strength who raise your voices in defense of the mistreated, the sinners, and the misfits, do not let the world smother out your voices!  Do not let others convince you to stifle your passion!  This world needs your voice.  This world needs your strong will, your determination, your burning passion, your loud voices!  Burn bright with the fire that God has bestowed upon you and never stop fighting for what grace and love, for that which is good and just, for that which is right. 

"Just do right.  Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul.  It brings you the kind of protection that bodyguards can't give you.  So try to live your life in a way that you will not regret years of useless virtue and inertia and timidity.  Take up the battle.  Take it up.  It's yours.  This is your life. This is your world." - Maya Angelou

 "Do not go gentle into that good night.  Rage, rage against the dying of the light". - Dylan Thomas

"God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".  - 2 Timothy 1:7

2018 Update

Life has been busy.  Isn't it always though?  It seems like life never really slows down quite enough for my liking....it flies by in the blink of an eye.  I haven't been on this blog in almost a year....and so much has happened in that time.  Lately I have missed blogging and have been considering starting it back up again.  I finally decided to actually do so tonight. 

The past year has been a year of chaos, big changes, and happiness.  So many changes in such a short amount of time.  I'm married now.  Which is crazy to me because literally in my last post which is from last July, I was as single as any person could be.  Not even a month after my last post, I entered into a relationship the man who is now my husband.  It was a face paced relationship; we started dating in August, got engaged in January, and in May of this year we became husband and wife.  I never saw myself in a whirlwind kind of relationship that I've seen so many people caught up in.  I always have been more of a, 'be good friends for a while, date for a year or two, and then become engaged' kind of girl.  Yet, here I am, married after being with someone for just nine months.  God definitely had plans for me that where not what I had in mind.  Yet, I wouldn't change it for anything.  We're both bumbling along, trying to figure out this thing called marriage and trying to live it out in a manner that brings glory to  God.

On top of being married, this past year has seen other changes as well.  Obviously, with the marriage comes the changes of living on 'my own', having to figure out how to budget groceries and such, figuring out how to keep up with housework, and figuring out my husband!  I also finished all of my classes for my degree which is exciting!  I just have to finish up some community service credits and then I will be able to graduate.  This last semester was extremely tough because I had so many things on my plate (like planning a wedding, balancing time with friends, family, and fiance, and work) so I am quite relieved for it to be over and to never have to take a class ever again!  

Well, now you have been caught up on my life for the past year that I have been silent.  I plan on giving this blog a makeover and attempt to blog regularly, at least weekly.  I have a lot of thoughts in my head and I need a place to write them down. I also have been doing a lot of pondering on the importance of authenticity and I want to be able to encourage and uplift any people who happen upon this little blog of mine. So....expect some more updates and some more posts very soon!