I know I've been raving about Australia. But this post is not about the splendors of Australia. This is a post about the nitty gritty things that people don't like to talk about. This isn't a post complaining about Australia, for my heart is still very much in love with this country and the city of Brisbane. This is, however, a post about the the less sunny aspects of my time here in the Land of Oz.
This is a post telling the world that I have spent this entire past week in a cloud of darkness. I am overwhelmed with homesickness. I do not miss my country of America. I do not miss anything about America. What I do miss is my family and my friends. A few weekends ago, I had a long phone call with my friend Rachel back home. After our conversation ended, I spiraled into a pit of homesickness and spent the afternoon feverishly cleaning the house, trying to take my mind off of my sadness. I avoid long, in depth phone calls and video chats with my family back home because each time we talk and I see them, the ache inside my chest grows. When my four year old baby sister asks me when I'm coming home and says she misses me, it kills me and I feel my heart falling out of my chest. She learned how to ride her bike while I've been away..and I haven't been there to watch her and celebrate the achievement with her. My older brother and youngest brother both celebrated their birthdays this month...and I wasn't there to join in the celebration. My sister starts a new semester of school this month...and I am not there to cheer her on. I miss all of my friends back home... I love my host family and I love all the other ASC students and consider them all friends.....but it is not the same. That is partly my fault, because I am terrible at making friends. However, it is difficult for me because I miss the deep relationships that I have built back home. And some days, I just miss having friends in general....I miss having people to hang out with all the time. Despite having wonderful people around me, I often feel quite lonely. It doesn't help that physical touch is my love language and without physical contact with people, I literally will feel physically ill. I can't explain it, all I know is that I need physical contact with people and when I go long periods without, I struggle. Not having close relationships here in Australia, physical contact is not really a thing....and so the dark cloud grows.
I have been fighting back, attempting to combat this dark cloud and keep from going under completely by staying somewhat busy. But it is not always easy....and this weekend has pushed me to my limits. People don't like to talk about the nitty gritty things. They don't like to talk about how they spent their day off of school, laying in bed, stuffing their face with food, candy, and ice cream, watching Netflix, and crying.....all. day. long. They don't like to talk about how they spent the majority of their weekend laying in bed like a smelly whale, mulling around in their misery. They don't like to talk about how they spent their Sunday in bed, sobbing like a child, pacing around their room, trying to figure out how to run away from it all. But that is my reality this weekend. The Nitty Gritty of life is a reality...for everyone. (I must say, I've gone through a lot of movies on Australian Netflix this month....and I've probably come close to overdosing on tea). I wish that life would only throw one heartache at me at a time...but I feel like I'm drowning in various heartbreaks all at the same time right now. On top of my homesickness and loneliness and managing my depression and learning overwhelmingly painful history of Australia and people in Australia....the heartache of betrayal and drama back home came rolling into me today. I have cried harder today than I have in a long time, which was probably due to a combination of all these emotions that have been swirling around inside of me all week. But today's news was the final blow....and it was a mighty painful blow. I am tired. My heart is shattered. And I honestly don't know how to go on anymore. I know that God is working in the midst of this....and I know He is walking with me through this....but right now, all I feel is hurt. I'm an emotional basketcase. My heart is aching and I don't know what the point is of trying anymore. That is the reality of where I am at right now. That is the nitty gritty of my life right now. But that's okay, because that is life.
Do I still love Australia? Yes. My heart is attached and probably always will be to this beautiful country and the people who live here. But, currently, I don't want to be here....I am ready to run away from this place....but to where, I don't know. The nitty gritty parts of life don't go away while you are trying to enjoy a new and exciting place. No, life doesn't wait for you to get back on your feet...life doesn't wait on you. So right now, I am on the ground, in the fetal position. Right now, I'm in a dark cloud. Right now, I am hurting. But...deep down, I know that it won't be like this for forever. Deep down, I know that God is there. That is what keeps me going right now....and eventually I'll slowly raise my head up from off the ground and slowly rise onto my hands and feet. And then I'll keep crawling forward until I can stand back up. And when I can finally stand back up, I'll keep walking forward with my head held high....because God heals and restores broken vessels and He makes beautiful things out of broken people and He is forever faithful to His people.
I'm just not there yet...
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