A controversial post. . .

I have debated on whether to write about this for quite a while now, conflicted on whether or not I wanted to deal with the backlash I would face from other Christians. However, I am reaching a point in my life where my concerns over the opinions of others are vastly dwindling and I have never been one to shy away from taking a stance just to appease those around me. So, here it is. I use marijuana medicinally. People who claim to be Christians can judge me, be disgusted and disappointed in me, and claim that it is sinful of me. Many will react in exactly such a way and they are entitled to their opinion of course. But this lifestyle choice is not between me and others. It is between me, God, and my husband. I have yet to discover anything else that touches easing the pain that I am often in, pain that is debilitating and can and does often leave me incapacitated. The only other thing that has helped touch and relieve this pain has been opioid medication, an alternative that my husband is very uncomfortable with as it can be highly addictive and can lead to heroin use. This is quite unlikely when used for chronic illnesses/pain patients, however, it is a possibility that my husband is extremely uncomfortable with as he has witnessed such addictions before in others. Honestly, I have never been able to fully understand the objection that so many Christians have towards medicinal use of marijuana for pain; I have heard the argument that the psychoactive effects of marijuana are wrong, yet, the prescription alternative of opioids (which I hear few Christians complaining about or having an issue with) are also a psychoactive drugs, not to mention the dangers of overdose and the possibility of addiction. For some reason, however, marijuana is of the devil in the eyes of many Christians.

That being said, I recognize the importance of responsible use of marijuana. I don’t smoke marijuana while at work or while out and about and I don’t drive while under the influence of marijuana. Generally I try to wait until evenings before I use it to help with the pain and help me find some sleep at night. I recognize that marijuana, like anything else in this life, can become an idol and can be misused in a way that is not responsible or glorifying to God and I strive to be responsible in my use of it. Just like anything else in this world, marijuana can be used as an escape from the realities of life. Video games, the internet, social media, and eating can all be used for the same thing and when used to constantly escape the realities and responsibilities of life, I would say they are all wrong and all dishonoring to the Lord. I have spent time praying about it, seeking the Lord’s wisdom, asking for His guidance, and this is the decision that I have come to after much prayer and consideration. It is very easy for us to become legalistic and decide everything is black and white in this world and that we best know God’s will, plan, and how to best interpret the scriptures. But legalism is not of Christ. 

Please, remember that not everything is a hill to die on. I have known Christians who drink and Christians who abstain from alcohol. I have known Christians who believe women should not wear pants and I have known (and am one) Christians who don’t think twice about wearing pants. I have met and known those who think we should only listen to Christian music and others who think that all types of music are okay. The point is, music, alcohol, pants - they do not determine a person’s salvation. They are personal convictions made off of personal interpretations of the scriptures, beliefs made from spending time with God and seeking His guidance. My salvation does not rest in how I treat my pain but rather, in the God I trust, love, and serve. How sad it is that I would be so fearful to admit to the Christian community how I treat my pain because of their judgement and legalism. How sad it is that the Christian community can be so focused on black and white that they fail to see that Christ came to fulfill and thus free us from law. Were that not so, circumcision would still be necessary for salvation, those who are not Jews would not be able to be welcomed as a child of God, and His people would still be sacrificing goats to atone for their sins. With Christ, came freedom. With Christ, came salvation for ALL who believe. Whether I use marijuana or not, my salvation rests, safe and sound, in Christ.

Life as I know it now

Getting up in the mornings is always a struggle.  My body is stiff and aches like I did a strenuous workout routine the night before.  My mind grapples to accept that it is another day for me to get through. All I want to do is fall back asleep; usually though, once I’m awake, I’m awake.  Despite feeling like I got three hours of sleep, my body refuses to go back to sleep. My husband leaves for work and I try desperately to fall back asleep, pleading with my body for just a few more moments of sleep before finally surrendering and accepting that I am up for the day.  Of course, ‘up’ usually means parked on the couch, at least for a bit while I force myself to come to terms with being awake. My meds are all tucked away in a bin by the couch, waiting for me to take them once I have completely woken up. Even after I swallow all my pills, I often still need a minute or two more on the couch, before attempting anything else.  

My house is a mess again.  Or perhaps I should just say that it is a mess still.  It never seems to get completely clean, despite it always being a weekly goal.  This week, I got some more bins and containers from the dollar store, so I’m hoping to at least put a dent in the mess and get some organizing done.  The pantry cabinets already look so much better with all the food stashed in bins.

This past weekend consisted of three days that had activities and events in them which means my body is extra angry at me this week.  Saturday, we celebrated my sister’s birthday and Father's day with my family, which was lovely but taxing on me. Sunday, we celebrated Father’s day with my husband’s  - again, a lovely time, but exhausting. Monday, we had to trek to a doctor’s appointment for Vance and make a few other stops. By the time we made it home, my back was throbbing and I took the entire afternoon to rest and try to recover from the past three days.  The past three days were hardly strenuous, yet for my body, it was a lot. . . made evident by the aching tight muscles all over, especially in my lower back.

Today, my back muscles are extra sore in addition to the ‘normal’, daily ache set with in my body that feel something akin to the body aches that accompany a bad flu.  I want to clean the house but I also know I need to be careful not to overexert or overextend myself today. I will have to pace myself and use moderation when cleaning.  Cleaning always involves lots of resting breaks.

I am still figuring out life and how to live it now, with my current symptoms. Although I have been sick for ten years, it has progressed quite a bit the past two years and my life is now completely different than it once was. Things that I could manage with little to no difficulty are now mountains I have to scale. What once was easy is now difficult. However, I am slowly but surely figuring out how to adapt. I have found that currently, my body cannot tolerate heat or warm environments. I spend the majority of my days parked in front of our air conditioner. Summer, a season that to me, has always been associated with adventures and fun and the outdoors, has become a season of difficulty for me. Most days cannot tolerate the heat or the sun during the day. This is somewhat common to my autoimmune disease, so I have to assume that is why my body is reacting the way it is to the heat. Even the evenings are sometimes too warm for me to venture outside on a walk. I miss the outdoors and I have yet to find a solution that allows me to spend time outside when it's hot out.

I have, however, found solutions for some of the difficulties that have popped up the past couple of years. One of the most helpful solutions and adaptations for me right now is to use a chair in the shower now. My husband, upon me complaining one evening about how a shower would help me feel better but I was too fatigued to stand in it, pointed to a metal chair and suggested I use it. His idea has proved to be quite helpful. I can now shower each day and not feel like passing out from the exertion. my ice pack and heating pad that was gifted to me by my parents last Christmas are some of my closest companions, solutions to lessen my discomfort. My trusty ice pack often accompanies me on car rides to keep me from becoming too overheated. My heating pad eases my tight and sore muscles when nothing else will help.

Life is complicated and messy right now. I have a lot of questions and not a lot of answers. I have a lot of fears and doubts and uncertainty. Yet, I am slowly making progress and for that I am thankful. I do not know what the future holds. . . But I do know who holds my future and I know that He is faithful, merciful, and full of grace. So, I am trying to set my eyes on Him and His great love and continuous faithfulness. I fail at that a lot. But, He is a patient God and each time I waver, He remains faithful

An update

For the past week or so, I have been feeling slightly better....which means I still have pain and fatigue and in general feel very unwell, BUT, I am not in as much pain and I am not as fatigued as I was for a while there.  I am not sure if it is because the medication I was put on is starting to work or if I am simply in-between flare ups right now.  Either way, I am trying to not take it for granted.  Yesterday, I was able to accomplish a lot (for me).  I made a trip to the dollar store for some things we needed (we really needed a toilet scrubber, okay!) cleaned the bathroom which has been atrocious lately due to my lack of ability to clean consistently, and managed to finally finish the mountain of dishes in the sink!  I even decorated my wreath with some fake flowers from the dollar store! Every time I look at it, it makes me smile. Of course, after all of that, I was quite exhausted.  However, normally after such tasks, my hands and feet would be extremely inflamed, swollen, and painful.  Last night, this was not the case, for which I was quite thankful.  As my upcoming appointment with my rheumatologist  approaches, I am fearful of what may come but I am trying to remind myself that worrying over worst case scenarios does nothing but rob me of joy, happiness, and peace.  Still, I am anxious over how the appointment will go and what the outcome of it will be.  I have a few concerns to bring up at the appointment and after so many years of not being listened to by doctors, I am somewhat fearful as to whether this doctor will listen and address my concerns or not.  A million 'what if's' play through my mind and I have to remember to shut them up and not let them gain foothold in my thoughts (which I am not always the best at...but I am trying).   

I am slowly (very slowly) trying to find joy and happiness in the little things in life.  There is such an immense peace in letting go of your stress and anxiety and all the concerns that are swirling around in your mind and simply being.  Even ten minutes in the fresh air, admiring my roses and plants can lift my spirits and calm my soul quite a bit.  I am slowly trying to implement things into my life that will promote healing in my body and soul.  Of course, this is also difficult and stressful due to our current financial situation, but I know my God will provide and my sweet husband and I will persevere.  Right now, my focus is on the little things that I can control, such as what I eat and what I think.  Food has always been one of my vices.  I eat when I am sad, I eat when I am happy, I eat when I am angry.  Training myself to have self-control when it comes to food and to keep myself from eating things I know will bring the opposite of healing to my body is hard for me.  Extremely hard.  If I'm being honest, I am quite addicted to sugar and am well known among friends for my sugar intake, so it is going to be a struggle to cut back on sugar.  I also am struggling with not eating gluten.  During some of our financial issues this year, I have gone back to eating gluten for convenience and due to money (okay, and I also just really love McChickens, and Whoppers...I admit it).  I know that I need to go back to not consuming gluten so that is another aspect of my life that I am trying to tackle and get under control.  There are many things about my health that I cannot control but I can control what I eat so I am striving to make good decisions with that.

This post really doesn't have anything of value or knowledge.  I simply am sharing where I am at right now in this journey with my health and with life in general.  Life is hard but I am hopeful that better days are approaching.           

Why I speak out on the rights of disabled people

I speak out and talk about disability rights and chronic illnesses and disabilities quite frequently these days.  I know many have noticed.  I know some may wonder why now?  Did my diagnosis of RA really spur me into this fanatic who speaks out on disability rights and who constantly speaks up about the hardships that chronic illnesses and disabilities have on people?  The answer is yes...and no.  My diagnosis gave me the courage to speak up but these issues have been on my heart for a long time.  These words are words that I have swallowed back time and time before, never having the courage to speak up.  My diagnosis simply gave me the courage I lacked; my diagnosis gave me 'proof' of an illness and disability that has wracked my body for years. For so long, I have felt as if I had no claim to the disabled community or the chronic illness community.  I had no diagnosis.  No doctor knew what was wrong with me and many gave up on me and pushed me to the side.  Despite the symptoms that often took over my body, I felt as if I had no 'proof' for those around me.  I felt as if those around me felt like I was making it up or exaggerating.  If doctors hadn't been able to discover anything wrong with me, then there must not be anything wrong with me.  Who would believe me if the 'professionals' couldn't even find something wrong with me?  So, I remained silent.   But, now, I have a diagnosis.  Now, I have the 'proof' of my illness - the expertise of a doctor to back me up and to say that I do, indeed, have a chronic illness.  I have dealt with this illness for years.  The diagnosis does not change that.  It simply brings affirmation to my years of sickness...years where I remained silent.  So now, I am no longer silent.  I speak the words that have been caught in my throat for so long.  I speak up for the rights of a community that is so often ostracized, neglected, and cast aside, a community that is often deemed by society as unworthy of rights. 

There is a proposal coming together right now that pushes to use social media (such as Facebook and Instagram) as a means of identifying if those on disability are 'truly' disabled.  This is not okay.  It may sound okay; If people are abusing the system and collecting disability money when not disabled, they should be found out and punished.  Of course this makes sense.  The problem, however, is that people with disabilities and chronic illnesses are not always bedridden.  We enjoy life when we can.  We go out with friends when we can.  We are allowed to have fun times just like any able bodies person. A picture on social media of a disabled person out enjoying a day at the lake with friends does not mean they are not disabled.  There are not many people who post pictures on social media when they are struggling with their disabilities.  I don't post the pictures of me in bed, ice packs, heating pads, and pillows surrounding me as I deal with a flare up of my illness.  I post pictures of me when I look good and when I look happy...as do most people.  It is already a difficult feat to get on disability.  I know this. Anyone with a disability or chronic illness knows this.  To add to this difficulty the need to constantly watch what we post on social media in case the social security administration decides that we post too many happy and 'healthy' looking pictures is unacceptable.  For many with disabilities and chronic illnesses, the money they receive from disability is how they survive.  Without it, they would not be able to afford food, housing, sometimes even medications.  Without it, they would die.  I am all for making sure that there is not fraud when it comes to receiving SSDI.   However, there are already extensive measures in place to avoid this fraud.  In fact, fewer than 4 out of 10 applicants are awarded disability benefits.  Investigating someones social media posts and pictures in order to 'prove' they are not disabled is violating and insufficient evidence to deprive someone of their income (usually their only income) that keeps them alive, keeps them surviving, keeps them from homelessness and death.

This is only one example of society's absolute disregard for the lives of disabled peoples.  I urge and encourage you to be aware and to do your part to support the rights of disabled people.  We are human beings and we ask to be treated as such.

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Raising Awareness

What is Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease?  Many hear arthritis and think of the joints which is perfectly reasonable since arthritis does affect the joints.  However, rheumatoid arthritis or RA involves more than the joints, although joint pain and degeneration of the joints is a big part of this disease.  While osteoarthritis is from wear and tear on joints, whether from old age,  sports injuries or other things that can cause the breakdown of the cartilage surrounding affected joints, RA is an autoimmune disease.  Autoimmune diseases involve a person’s own immune system attacking healthy cells in their body.  In a healthy body, the immune system protects against disease and infections that seek to invade.  In a person who has an autoimmune disease, the immune system malfunctions; it attacks healthy cells, mistaking them for intruders, basically turning against its own system (National Institute of Arthritis and Musculoskeletal and Skin Diseases). When a person has RA, the bodies immune system mistakenly attacks the joints.  A person’s joints have a membrane called the synovial membrane.  This membrane contains synovial fluid which helps provide a sort of ‘cushion’ for the joints, lubricating them and keeping the cartilage surrounding the joint healthy. Rheumatoid arthritis causes the body to attack this synovial membrane, causing inflammation, which in turn causes the synovial fluid to over produce (physioworks).  This causes the joints affected to swell and the capsule that holds the synovial membrane and also holds the joint together is stretched, resulting in pain (myDr.com.au).  The inflammation can cause long term damage to the joint, cartilage, and bones.  Here is a diagram showing a healthy joint, a joint suffering from osteoarthritis, and a joint suffering from RA (I found this diagram on News-Medical.net). 

I’ve spent some time focusing on how RA affects the joints but, as I previously mentioned, there is much more being affected besides the joints.  With all of that inflammation running rampant in an affected person’s body, it makes sense that it would spread to affect the entire body.  The skin is often affected as the blood vessels are inflamed, often producing rashes and nodules.  Bones throughout the body can be thinned and become brittle from the inflammation.  The inflammation that RA creates can affect the lungs, the heart, the nervous system, and blood complications such as anemia and blood clots (Arthritis Foundation).  Besides being able to cause destruction and damage to other organs, RA also comes with a vast amount of symptoms that are not limited to joints.  Extreme fatigue is ‘normal’ for a person with rheumatoid arthritis which makes sense when one thinks about what the body is enduring.  Because nerves can be affected by the chronic inflammation, numbness and tingling can occur in the hands and feet.  Muscle aches and pain are common, as is malaise, low grade fevers, weakness, loss of appetite, weight loss, and dry, painful eyes and mouth, also known as Sjogren's Syndrome (emedicinehealth).

Okay, now that we’ve discussed how RA affects the body and the common symptoms that it can create, let’s look at how RA feels.  Every case is different, just as every person is different, so RA can present itself in different ways for different people.  Many people say that living with RA causes them to feel like they have a very bad flu every day.  I can attest to this; every day, my entire body aches like I have the flu or a bad cold. Painsomnia (insomnia caused by pain)  is common with any kind of chronic pain so RA is no exception to this.  It can be extremely difficult to get a good night’s rest (something that is important to help ease RA symptoms) when one is in constant pain that keeping them up and/or waking them up all hours of the night. The fatigue that many people with RA have is a deep fatigue no amount of sleep can cure, a fatigue that can cause brain fog and difficulty remembering things.  Because of the inflammation and low grade fevers that RA causes, many people experience hot flashes, feeling overheated, and heavy sweating often.  Some describe RA as feeling like their body is ‘heavy’ and hard to lift/move, a body filled and weighed down by concrete.  Joints swell up, stiffen, and lock up.  Pain can alternate between a deep and dull pain, a sharp, stabbing pain, and anything in between.  

RA is a disease that encompasses the entire body and can affect every aspect of someone’s life.  Most of these symptoms I’ve listed are symptoms I experience on the daily.  I am thankful that my disease has not progressed to a point of joints locking up.  My joints don’t swell up much and the stiffness I experience is a minimum compared to many people battling this disease.  I do however have what I call ‘rice Krispy joints’.  All of my joints - ALL of them - upon being moved, snap, crackle, and pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies that just had milk poured over it. I am quite familiar with 1 A.M. because lately the pain has been so bad that falling asleep is a difficult task.  My poor husband has to put up with me tossing and turning all night long and getting up in the middle of the night to have multiple hot showers which soothes the pain.  Fatigue and brain fog are constant companions making even the easiest tasks seem enormous.  We don’t go out much because I rarely feel up to it.  Between the constant pain and the fatigue, it is difficult for me to be out and about.  The hot flashes...oh, the hot flashes!  I’ve experienced them for years and it’s become a joke between me and my friends because often those around me will be cold and want the heater on and I’ll be sweating profusely and feel like I’m burning up.  Lately, I’ve discovered that putting my ice pack on my head helps cool me down.  

I write all of this not to gain people’s pity but rather to educate and bring awareness to this disease that affects 1.3 million Americans and an estimated 17.6 million people world wide.  It is predicted that this number will double by 2030 (Global RA Network).  I write this to bring awareness to the many autoimmune diseases that affect 50 million Americans (according to the AARDA.  I couldn’t find a number for those affected by autoimmune diseases worldwide).  Awareness and education on RA and autoimmune diseases is important not only because it recognizes the struggles that millions of people experience but also because those who are educated and aware of the facts are better prepared to get an earlier diagnosis and treatment, ultimately saving lives.  I will end this with a quote from AARDA (American Autoimmune Related Diseases Association) discussing the need to raise awareness of autoimmune diseases (March is National Autoimmune Diseases Awareness month, which explains why the quote focuses on March):

During March, AARDA hopes to educate the public on the top five things everyone should know about autoimmune disease: (1) 50 Million Americans have an autoimmune disease, comprising a major U.S. health crisis. (2) There are 100+ autoimmune diseases including Crohn’s disease, celiac disease, rheumatoid arthritis, vasculitis, and Addison’s disease. (3) Autoimmune diseases “cluster” in families; for example, if your grandmother had lupus, you could be at greater risk for developing an autoimmune disease. (4) Fewer than 13% of Americans can name an autoimmune disease. (5) Autoimmune diseases target women 75% more often than men; and combined, autoimmune diseases are one of the top ten killers of women under the age of 65.  

Increased levels of awareness amongst the general public is more important now than ever before according to AARDA’s President and Executive Director Virginia T. Ladd. She says, "Autoimmune diseases such as multiple sclerosis, type 1 diabetes, and celiac disease have all been shown to be on the rise, but answers as to why these increases are occurring are yet unknown. However, it is imperative that the public be more aware of their own risk factors for developing autoimmune diseases so that, as symptoms occur, they can seek a diagnosis and begin a treatment regimen. Early diagnosis and onset of treatment can make a significant difference in someone’s chances of becoming disabled or suffering organ damage.”

Hopeless, Helpless, Inadequate

If there was only one word I could use to describe how this disease feels, I would use the word hopeless. This disease makes you feel hopeless - hopeless and helpless. These two words sum up my feelings on Rheumatoid Arthritis Disease. Now, I am not hopeless, by any means. I have hope in Christ but that is a different kind of hope, a hope that is certainty in my Savior. I am also hopeful that someday I will go in remission, that someday, somehow, I will find relief from this disease. I know I am not hopeless. However, I still feel hopeless. When you are in chronic pain, every moment of every day, it is almost impossible to not feel this way at least some of the time. My disease reminds me of it’s residency inside my body every waking moment of my life. It reminds me by the dull ache in my muscles and the intense pain in my joints, whether I am walking through a store, laying in bed trying to fall asleep, or simply adjusting myself while sitting on the couch. This disease reminds me of its existence by the utter exhaustion that racks both my body and mind, no matter the amount of sleep I get at night and no matter the amount of energy I have exerted or not exerted (as is more likely) that day. I am reminded of this disease by how well it has made itself at home inside of my body.

. I sit here, on my couch, exhausted, in pain, home from work after only two hours….the only two hours I have been able to work this week. My house is a disgusting wreck...the sink is piled high with dirty dishes, clean laundry is strewn across the living room while the bedroom is piled with dirty laundry. I hate it. I despise the mess. It is embarrassing and humiliating. I am angry I cannot keep up with the housework. I am angry I can barely make it to work each week. I am angry at what this disease has taken from me and continues to take from me. And I am filled with a deep, dismal, hopelessness as I sit and examine my surroundings and ponder my current life. Is this the rest of my life? Will it always be like that? The words of David come to mind, how long, Oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? My God, why have you forsaken me? Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning? ( Ps 13:1; 22:1). I know my God has not forsaken me, nor has He forgotten me. But, sometimes it can feel like that. There is a reason the scriptures hold so many laments...they are real, they involve the many emotions and feelings that humans experience. They are spoken from the heart in times of distress --- times of pain and suffering, the times in life when hope seems nonexistent. That time for me is right now. . I am reminded of before I was diagnosed and my disease was not quite as rampant in my body. I remember one evening, exhausted and in pain, I pondered on whether I would ever get answers, whether I would ever find a diagnosis. I remember taking a bath and simply spending time, talking to the Lord, listening to the Lord, and thinking deeply about me, my undiagnosed illness, and whether or not the Lord would grant answers and relief to me. It hit me then that perhaps a diagnosis would not be made, perhaps answers would never be found, and perhaps this was the life I was given and the journey I must take. God does not promise healing in this life. Anyone who tells you otherwise has been sold a lie and is selling you a lie. All the faith and prayer in the world will not necessarily heal you; cancer patients still die, coma patients remain in their unconscious state, pain and suffering still remains. God is not a vending machine and He will not always do what we ask of Him or what we would like Him to do. God does promise to heal us after life on this earth and He promises eternal life to those who trust in Him. But we are not guaranteed health, wealth, and happiness this side of heaven (in fact, we are to expect the opposite). . I am reminded now, as I was reminded so long ago, that one night, taking a soak in the bathtub, that it is not our strengths but rather our weaknesses that glorify God the most. It is when I am weak that I find strength in the Lord. My weaknesses show the strength of a God who can overcome all of my weaknesses, all of my feelings of hopelessness, all of my pain and suffering. It is in my His strength and power is weaknesses that His power and strength is made perfect (2 Cor. 12). When I am weak, His strength is all the more evident and powerful. . I am now weaker than I was that night when I pondered my weaknesses and the strength and power of my God. The pain is bigger, the fatigue is stronger, and the feelings of hopelessness and helplessness have grown. But, God’s power and strength remains. His grace is still enough. He is still enough. “At first, I….begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness’. Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness. Now I take limitations in stride, and with good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size—abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks. I just let Christ take over! And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become. (The Message, 1 Cor. 12:7-10). . I still hope for remission. I still pray for relief from this disease that wreaks havoc on my body, my life, and even my relationships. I am still in pain (and this most likely will not change from any amount of prayer or faith). I am still exhausted. But, I find solace, strength, and power in the One who made me, who loves me, who saved me, and who is and has always been faithful to His people. I am not even sure what my point is with all of this, or if I even had a point to begin with. But I hope that perhaps someone may find comfort in my words, find even a small amount of encouragement in my story, and know that they are not alone. 

Finally some answers!

About three weeks ago, I had my rheumatologist appointment where I finally was given a diagnosis after ten years of battling chronic pain and fatigue.  My rheumatologist looked at and felt my joints and sent me off for blood work and some x-rays.  After some miscommunication with my doctor the next few days, I was given the diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis.  To finally have a doctor listen to me and to finally get a diagnosis for what I have been going through for so long was so relieving and almost surreal.  I have been waiting so long to get some answers and now I finally have some.  However, it was also terrifying to be given a diagnosis, especially a diagnosis that is of a degenerative, progressive disease.  I have spent the past three weeks processing this diagnosis, wrapping my brain around the implications, both good and bad, that come with it.  I was put on a new medication right away that is meant to help with my symptoms and also slow down and hopefully prevent further damage within my body caused by this disease.  It has been in the past three days that I have begun to notice a tremendous improvement....something that has brought me to tears, tears of joy flowing from a heart that is so thankful.  I feel like a new person, a new me.  No, not even a new person, rather an old person....an old me....the me from years ago, before this disease began to take over my life and dictate my life, my every thought, my actions.  I have had energy that I have not had in years and the pain has disappeared to a mere whisper.  I woke up this morning and I felt like a person.  It has been such a long time since I have woken up and felt like that. 

This is not to say that I have been cured completely of all my symptoms.  There is still a disease raging a war inside of my body, it is simply more under control now. My pain has not disappeared completely but if we're being honest, it is not likely that it ever will.  It is however, much more manageable, at least so far.  Yesterday was a rather active day for me, as I cleaned for a few hours in the morning before walking around down town with family and friends at a festival of sorts that our town has every year.  The amount of walking and activity took a toll on my body and I ended up needing to use my cane to help me out.  When I finally went to bed last night, all of my joints seemed to be on fire, especially my knees and I had to ice them.  But, even with the activity and the pain and inflammation that the activity induced, I woke up this morning only slightly stiff and sore and with an alertness and energy that has been missing from my life for so long.  Normally the mornings are rough, as my body is stiff and sore, and I usually awaken with a sort of fatigue induced brain fog so it has been such a wonderful experience the past few days. 

I have a lifelong battle ahead of me as I take on this disease but I have an immense amount of hope and optimism as I look towards the future, a hope and optimism that has been dead for so long, overtaken and choked out by extreme pain and a mummifying exhaustion and fatigue.  I have answers and with those answers, I have knowledge.  With that knowledge, I have power, power over this disease, power to fight back and take my life back from the clutches of this disease.  I now look forward, my head held high, possibly my cane in hand, ready to continue this journey called my life, hand in hand with my biggest supporter and fan, my husband.  I am excited, for the first time in a long time, for what the future my hold.  Come what may, I feel better prepared, even if my disease does progress and create more pain.  I am a warrior and I am ready. 

The best year of my life; the worst year of my life - 2018

2018 has been simultaneously the best and worst year of my life.  Many people know why it has been the best year of my life.  I married my best friend this past year and he is now stuck with me for life.  Our wedding was the most beautiful, and fun day and we couldn't have asked for a better wedding honestly.  It was perfection.  We spent a magical honeymoon in Santa Cruz where we fell in love with the location and the people and lifestyle there.  We have been married seven months now and while they have been a rocky seven months, filled with a lot of difficulties, neither of us can imagine life without the other.  

Not a lot of people know why it has been the worst year for me though.  In September of 2018, I suffered a mental breakdown.  My mental health went haywire and I ended up in a psych ward, where I was held for four days. My depression, which I have struggled with for many years, paired with many different stressors in my life, including my toxic work environment and simply adjusting to married life, all came to a head and I was in the lowest point of my life.  I came extremely close to carrying out a plan to end my life and, with the extra persuasion of my family, I sought help.  After four days in a psych ward that carried out illegal proceedings and offered almost no support for their patients other than shoving meds down their throats (shout out to Woodland Memorial Hospital's psych-ward) I returned home and was able to actually get help through my counselor and my psychiatrist.  I was on temporary disability for three months while I sought out answers and recovered. I have since been diagnosed with Bipolar 2 which explains the extreme mood swings that I have experienced for many years and I am on medication which has helped immensely along with counseling, which I highly recommend.

In addition to my mental health breakdown, my entire body has decided that enough is enough.  Having struggled with an undiagnosed illness for ten years, my body has hit a new low, protesting loudly about it's sick self.  I am in physical pain almost every waking hour of the day, all day, every day.  My muscles and joints all scream at me loudly and incessantly, begging for relief.  I also struggle with chronic fatigue, which plagues me, again, almost every single day, all day, every day.  It is somewhat like an extreme bad case of the flu where your entire body aches and feels heavy and exhausted.....except it never ends. These symptoms are not new.  I've experienced them for ten years, as I mentioned above.  However, over the last few months, my body's protest has become louder and more debilitating.  It is a struggle to lift myself out of bed and more days than not now, I am unable to go into work.  Because of this, I am losing my health insurance through my employer as I am not working enough hours to remain on it.  My mental health is affected by this as well, as the constant pain and fatigue takes it's toll on my mind.  There are days where I almost wish I had carried out my plan of suicide because the physical pain and fatigue that wracks my body is so overwhelming.  I spend a lot of time in bed.  In fact, I am typing this post from my bed, where I sit with a heating pad on my back, having been unable to make it into work once again.  When the holidays are over, I will be setting up an appointment with a rheumatologist to continue to seek answers. I am both hopeful and yet skeptical, a product of going ten years with no answers. The three suspects currently are fibromyalgia, rheumatoid arthritis, and myalgic encephalomyelitis, two of which are not easy to diagnose.  

In the midst of this, I also suffered an early miscarriage.  There is no 'solid proof' that what I experienced was a miscarriage as I didn't go to the doctor afterwards.  All I know is that there was a positive pregnancy test and then there was not and I was bleeding heavily, heavier than I ever have experienced during my regular cycle, and there was a lot of clotting.  There is some room, I suppose, for someone to argue that what I experienced was not a miscarriage.  But I know in my heart that it was and even though I had been unaware of the pregnancy beforehand and even though I know that we were not ready for a baby yet, I mourned over the loss and still do from time to time.  It amazes me how common miscarriages and 'chemical pregnancies,' as they call early miscarriages, are and yet how little it is talked about and how hushed such talk is of such things. 25% of clinically recognized pregnancies end in miscarriage while chemical pregnancies/miscarriages account for 50-75% of all miscarriages. On top of that, the chances of having a miscarriage in the majority of healthy women an average of 15-20% (American Pregnancy Association).  All that to say, it is much more common than most would expect because it is a taboo subject that few seem to either be comfortable talking about (which is understandable) and few seem to think they can talk about it and are sometimes ashamed to speak of it.  I often hesitate to talk about it (in fact, few know I experienced it) because I feel like I have no right to as it was not medically confirmed.  But here I am, baring and exposing all because that's what I do best I suppose.

My husband has been amazing on this bumpy, rough journey.  Our finances are shot and he is struggling to juggle between working extra hard to provide for us, taking care of housework because I am often unable to do so myself, and taking care of me, all while trying to take care of his own health, both physical and mental.  All of this has put an immense strain on our marriage.  Marriage is a huge adjustment all on it's own, with the first year of marriage being difficult and somewhat tumultuous  (something they don't tell you or prepare you for much) even without added the added stress and strain of financial issues, psych wards, and health issues. However, the support that we have been shown from both our families has been tremendous and my eyes are damp as I type this because of all of their support and love.  Vance has been such a trooper as he attempts to juggle so many things at once and we have both fought for our marriage to be and remain strong and healthy.  In the midst of the pain and stress and fear and unknown, there is goodness and kindness and love and hope.  God has held us firmly in His hands, sustaining us and breathing His sweet life into us.  Indeed, without Him, this story would be a very different story and it is very likely that I would not be here to tell it.  Even were I hear to tell the story, it would be a story void of hope.  I am so grateful and thankful for the hope that we have in Him and the love and support we are shown by our families.  This year has been a topsy turvy year, filled with such highs and lows but God has been there with us through them all.  As the new year fast approaches, I am filled with hope.  I know that the new year will not begin with me being instantly healed and our troubles will not disappear just because 2018 has come to an end, but I am hopeful as I look to the new year, holding fast to the things in life that mean the most to me and that I know will always be there for me, the people who will always be in my corner - God, my family, and my husband.  I don't need anything more than that.    

What do you value most in life?

I wrote the following piece after watching the documentary 'Take Your Pills' on Netflix.. Most of the material in this writing piece is a reflection on the facts presented in the documentary as well as what I have seen in my own life and the lives of those around me.

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The culture that we live in today in America is all about results and speed.  The obsession with bigger, faster, better results has resulted in a nation of people hooked on opioids and stimulants.  Opioids drown out pain and ‘contain’ the stress, while stimulants such as Adderall and Ritalin allow people to keep up with the never ended workload demands.  This has led to the question of how to find healthier and more natural ways to enhance the mind and body and many companies are now selling brain enhancers and supplements.  However, are mind enhancers and supplements really the solution? While the mind is an amazing organ with great potential and seeking to strengthen it to reach full potential is not necessarily harmful (rather, it can be, of course, beneficial) the constant need for bigger, better, and faster results in society and especially in the workforce creates a community of people being pushed beyond healthy limits.

What if the solution to this opioid and stimulant crises that this nation is facing is not simply a different way to enhance the mind or numb the pain? Perhaps instead, it would be more beneficial to take a step back from the fetish this country has with constant busyness, success, and productivity and refuse to participate in it any longer.  Maybe instead of seeking out ways to keep up with such a chaotic and exhausting system, seeking ways to ‘fit in’ to a system that demands so much of oneself (and demands more than oneself has to offer on their own) one should simply cut the chaos out of their lives In essence, what if individuals stopped running themselves ragged in order to keep up with the demands of society to perform better, faster, and more - a system that has driven people to stimulants in order to keep up with such demands and opioids to numb pain and stress?  What if, instead, individuals stopped and evaluated what it is they care about most in life and what they view as most valuable and meaningful in life, and poured their energy into that? For instance, if one finds that family and friends, writing, and time spent in nature is what they value most, then one can put those at the top of the list and cut out the things that are less valuable to them. If one finds computer programming, video games, and music to be at the top of their list of things they value, then they can put those above other things in life and cut out the things that are less meaningful to them.  This does not mean abandoning duties or responsibilities in life but rather, cutting out unnecessary aspects of life that society has pressured one to take part in because it is the ‘normal’ thing to do. While work is an important and necessary aspect of life, when other valuable and meaningful parts of our life begin to suffer from how much we invest into work, the question that must be answered is, “Is this worth it”? If one places what they most value at the top of their priorities, then these are the things that one's time will be most spent. All other aspects of life will filter down below the things one most values, there to partake in if time allows after focusing on the aspects of life that one most esteems rather than focusing and spending time on so many activities in life that hold no meaning or value to a person. When one focuses on so many expectations and duties in life that hold no meaning to them other than societal norms, it is not wonder that one would turn to stimulants, opioids, and brain enhancers to cope with such a cluttered and busy life.  Perhaps it is time for people to step back and slow down and declutter their lives and throw societal norms and pressures aside and focus on what truly matters to each of them individually.

On Strong Willed and Vocal Women. . .

I have always been a very strong willed and vocal female.  Sometimes, it can get me in trouble.  My strong will, vocalness, and stubbornness can lead me astray and I am not always in the right. But, my strong personality can also be a blessing and stronghold in my life, holding me fast to my values, standards, and morals and keeping me grounded upon what I hold to be true and right.  While people do not always like my determination and strong, loud, vocal opinions, it shaped me into a very strong person.  I am far from narrow minded, almost always willing to be open minded on a subject and I try to be open to the possibility that I may be wrong about things.  But, I also do not back down from what I find to be true.  I have a fierce love for people and a 'mama bear' personality that is always down to fight for the outcasts....even when no one else will.  I am thankful that God has given me such a strong and stubborn will.  It provides a firm foundation when it is aligned with His word and His values, a foundation I can stand upon without backing down.  It could be easy to become discouraged and seek to mute myself, my personality, and my character in order to be accepted by others.  It is definitely tempting to stifle and quiet myself to blend into what others would have me to be.  Strong and vocal women are often dubbed as 'bitches'.  We are viewed as hardened, uptight, even narrow-minded.  Fellow strong willed, vocal women, know this - You are not 'hard'.  You are not a 'bitch'.  You are strong individuals, sculpted and molded into the women you are today by your loving Creator.  Jesus was a vocal individual too.  The religious leaders of His day called him a heretic.  They did not appreciate or welcome His vocal 'opinions'.  While Jesus spent time with sinners and criminals and undesirables and stood up for these people, the religious leaders, the so called 'men of God', tried to quiet Him.  They tried to smother out His voice too.  But they could not.  Fellow women of strength who raise your voices in defense of the mistreated, the sinners, and the misfits, do not let the world smother out your voices!  Do not let others convince you to stifle your passion!  This world needs your voice.  This world needs your strong will, your determination, your burning passion, your loud voices!  Burn bright with the fire that God has bestowed upon you and never stop fighting for what grace and love, for that which is good and just, for that which is right. 

"Just do right.  Right may not be expedient, it may not be profitable, but it will satisfy your soul.  It brings you the kind of protection that bodyguards can't give you.  So try to live your life in a way that you will not regret years of useless virtue and inertia and timidity.  Take up the battle.  Take it up.  It's yours.  This is your life. This is your world." - Maya Angelou

 "Do not go gentle into that good night.  Rage, rage against the dying of the light". - Dylan Thomas

"God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control".  - 2 Timothy 1:7

2018 Update

Life has been busy.  Isn't it always though?  It seems like life never really slows down quite enough for my liking....it flies by in the blink of an eye.  I haven't been on this blog in almost a year....and so much has happened in that time.  Lately I have missed blogging and have been considering starting it back up again.  I finally decided to actually do so tonight. 

The past year has been a year of chaos, big changes, and happiness.  So many changes in such a short amount of time.  I'm married now.  Which is crazy to me because literally in my last post which is from last July, I was as single as any person could be.  Not even a month after my last post, I entered into a relationship the man who is now my husband.  It was a face paced relationship; we started dating in August, got engaged in January, and in May of this year we became husband and wife.  I never saw myself in a whirlwind kind of relationship that I've seen so many people caught up in.  I always have been more of a, 'be good friends for a while, date for a year or two, and then become engaged' kind of girl.  Yet, here I am, married after being with someone for just nine months.  God definitely had plans for me that where not what I had in mind.  Yet, I wouldn't change it for anything.  We're both bumbling along, trying to figure out this thing called marriage and trying to live it out in a manner that brings glory to  God.

On top of being married, this past year has seen other changes as well.  Obviously, with the marriage comes the changes of living on 'my own', having to figure out how to budget groceries and such, figuring out how to keep up with housework, and figuring out my husband!  I also finished all of my classes for my degree which is exciting!  I just have to finish up some community service credits and then I will be able to graduate.  This last semester was extremely tough because I had so many things on my plate (like planning a wedding, balancing time with friends, family, and fiance, and work) so I am quite relieved for it to be over and to never have to take a class ever again!  

Well, now you have been caught up on my life for the past year that I have been silent.  I plan on giving this blog a makeover and attempt to blog regularly, at least weekly.  I have a lot of thoughts in my head and I need a place to write them down. I also have been doing a lot of pondering on the importance of authenticity and I want to be able to encourage and uplift any people who happen upon this little blog of mine. So....expect some more updates and some more posts very soon! 

Sometimes I write things....

Someday you are going to love a boy
more than you ever thought physically possible.
And someday, that boy may break your heart
and you will hurt
more than you thought was physically possible.
He will walk away and you will feel
As though you will never love again,
you will never again experience such a love,
that you will never again be whole.
But I am here to tell you that you will.
It may take time,
it may take a long time,
it may even take years.
It won't happen all at once.
Yet, slowly, surely, your heart will mold back together
and his finger prints will fade away until,
one day, your heart will be a completely new heart,
One free of traces of him.
You will find that you are whole, all on your own and when you hear his name,
Your heart no longer quivers in pain.
You are strong, strong on your own.
You have put yourself back together
And you no longer need him to hold yourself up, you hold yourself up all on your own.
You will discover that your heart
is beating once more on it's own
and you do not need him to soar through the air.
You will realize you do not need him
to see the world in color.
You will find that you can love again
And you will,
You will love again.
You will love someone
And they will love you back.
They will not make you whole,
you will not make them whole,
but you will love each other all the more for that.

A thrilling video update....

Finding encouragement and lessons on trust in the Psalms of David

I love the book of Psalms.  At the risk of being cliche, I'd say it's one of my favorite books of the Bible.  I find the book so encouraging because David is so real and vulnerable within his Psalms.   David was called a man after God's own heart, yet he is seen within the psalms as a man who also stumbles and fails....the man committed adultery and premeditated murder, for crying out loud.  What's more, the psalms reveal that David is not only a man after God's own heart and a sinful man, he was also, at times, both hurt and angry, both discouraged and despairing.  Within the Psalms, David's heart and soul is poured out for the reader to see.  He has many psalms praising the greatness of God and the wonders of God's love and sovereignty.  But he also has psalms where he cries out to God, asking Him why He has left him, why He has forsaken him, why He isn't doing what David thinks he needs God to do for him.  He has psalms of anger and indignation at God and the suffering that God has allowed him to go through.  He has psalms where he laments the suffering he has had to endure, psalms where David is feeling sorry for himself, crying out, woe is me.  The psalms are so raw and vulnerable, so real and personal.  In anger, David asks God to kill his enemies, to destroy them.  In anger, David yells at God, asking Him why He isn't doing what David feels He should be doing.  In great sadness and agony, David cries out to God, lamenting the hurts that have been inflicted upon his heart.  This man, who loved and trusted the Lord, who was named the man after God's own heart, a godly man, has doubts, anger, and anguish.  He doesn't walk around with a smile pasted on his face, acting like one must be happy all time time in order to be trusting the Lord.  Instead, he allows himself to experience and feel emotions other than happiness.  To me, this is such an encouragement.  It speaks assurance to me that trusting God does not mean you have to always be happy and it does not mean you can't be upset, angry, sad, or doubting.  David cries out in Psalm 22, "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why are you so far from helping me, from the words of my groaning?  O my God, I cry by day, but you do not answer; and by night, but find no rest.".  He feels abandoned, forsaken by the God he has believed in.  Yet even in the midst of David's anguish, his anger, and his doubts that are seen within the book of Psalms, many of David's laments and psalms of anger and doubts end with him stating, I know God is still great, He is still good, He is still sovereign. In Psalm 22, after accusing God of forsaking him, David then follows with, "Yet you are holy, enthroned on the praises of Israel.  In you our ancestors trusted; they trusted, and you delivered them. To you they cried, and were saved; in you they trusted, and were not put to shame.".  He feels forsaken by his God, he feels angry, hurt, betrayed, and he lets God know he is not happy....yet he also knows that regardless of how it seems, regardless of how he feels, God is still holy.  It may feel like God has forsaken him but God has not, God is faithful and delivered and rescued Israel in times past.  In Psalm 13, David cries out, 'How long, O Lord? Will you forget me forever?  How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I bear pain in my soul, and have sorrow in my heart all day long? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?"  But then he ends his words with "But I trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because he has dealt bountifully with me.".  David experiences the emotions of anger, anguish, and doubt, many times he feels forgotten, forsaken, abandoned by God....but he also holds to the knowledge he has that, despite his feelings, despite how things look and feel, God has not forsaken him, God has not forgotten him, God has not really abandoned him, God is still good, sovereign and full of love and mercy.  Trust does not mean never having doubts.  Trust does not mean never being upset or angry.  Trust does not mean you fake happiness.  Trust is knowing that God has not, nor will He ever, forsake you or abandon you, even though there are times when it feels like He has.  Trust is knowing that God has your best interest at heart and that His way is best, even though it feels like He is doing it all wrong (or even doing nothing) and that you have a better way to do things.  It is in the psalms of King David, a man after God's own heart, a man who struggled with sin just like me and you, a man who experienced doubts, anger, anguish, suffering, a man who often felt as though God wasn't doing what He should be doing, a man who sometimes felt like God has forsaken him, that I find what trusting God really means.  It is in the rawness of the psalms of David that I find encouragement. 

Saying goodbye. . .

Last Friday, we had a day long debrief session, to prepare us all for returning to the states.  As I sat there looking around the room, some of us sprawled out across the floor, some standing, some sitting in chairs, all chattering together, I was hit by a wave of overwhelming sadness.  It was the last time we'd be gathered together in that classroom. We have walked through this semester together.  We have supported each other through out the past three and a half months.  We have been each others family unit.  For this semester, we shared each others lives, we walked side by side, we struggled together and grew together.  Never again will we share this space together.  In fact, we will probably never again all gather together.  But for these three and a half months in Australia, we have walked through life together.  I will miss every single one of these faces...every single one of these lives that I got to share a space with this semester.  I have grown close to many of these people.  They have become close friends, who I treasure and cherish.  And I ache at the thought of saying goodbye to these new friends. 

They told me that I may leave a piece of my heart behind in Australia after I come.  But they never told me that pieces of my heart would also be scattered across the many states of America as well.  My heart has now been split in to so many pieces...pieces that will be scattered throughout Australia, New Zealand, and the States.  I have never been good with goodbyes.  Perhaps it is because I become so attached to things...perhaps it is because I love so deeply.  I become attached to people, places, even material things.  My mother calls me a pack rat, because I refuse to get rid of things.  I hold on to things because I have placed sentimental value to them.  I latch on to places and they become places of deep happiness.  I make homes out of people, I wrap my fingers around them so tightly, never wanting to let go, holding on to friendships even after they have been deemed as unhealthy, because I cannot stop loving them, I cannot say goodbye to them.  Me and goodbyes have always battled.  Goodbyes rip my heart to shreds...and now I have to say so many goodbyes all at once.  I must say goodbye to Brisbane, which has been my home for the past semester.  I must say goodbye to all of my favorite city spots.  I must say goodbye to Australia, which has captured my heart and taught me so many things in the span of three and a half months.  I must say goodbye to the lecturers who have poured themselves into me this past semester.  I must say goodbye to the friends that I have made...the friends who have supported me and loved me and cared for me and been there for me for the past three and a half months...the friends whom I have grown with and struggled along side. 

Since Friday, there have been so many lasts.  Last week was the last coffee date with Heidi.  Before that, I had my last coffee date with Chris K.  I will miss those sweet times of deep conversation and friendship.  There was my last trip to the beach.  My last trip to Southbank.  My last trip to Queens street.  My last time riding public transportation.  This is probably my last time blogging in Australia. 

Still to come is my last evening with my Aussie family....that one will break my heart.  My last night in my Aussie bedroom.  My last day with my ASC family.  My last breath of Australian air.  My last sight of Australia. 


I will miss coming home from school and being greeted by Jack, who comes charging over to the top of the stairs, entire body wriggling with excitement at my presence.  I will miss plodding upstairs on nights when I'm overwhelmed by homework and stressed out, and cuddling with Jack to feel better.  I will miss my Aussie mum's delicious cooking.  I will miss my host dad's horrible puns which he thinks are absolutely hilarious (he's usually the only one laughing at them).  I will miss the city lights of Brisbane, each sign a different colour of dazzling brilliance.  I will miss my walks to school.  A small part of me will even miss the public transportation.  I will miss sitting in the living room with my Aussie family, watching Top Gear together.  I will miss getting tea at Bean and pretending to do homework while there.  I am excited to be reunited with my friends and family back home, to be back in my California, and to enjoy the holiday season with my family and friends.  But the excitement and joy of returning home is combined with a heavyhearted sadness at what I am leaving behind in Australia.

I will miss almost everything about my time here in Australia.  Except for maybe the sausages....if I never eat another sausage again, it will be too soon.

The dark parts. . . .

The past few weeks have been rough.  Real rough.  I have spent the majority of my days lying in bed, watching Netflix, eating chocolate and gummy worms, depressed and homesick.  All I've wanted to do is sleep all the time.  Since getting back to Brisbane after spring break, I have been completely and utterly homesick.  I have lost all motivation to do homework.  I have lost all motivation to do much of anything, besides sleep, lay in bed, and watch an unhealthy amount of Netflix.  I have weird dreams every night.  My assignments have suffered.  The inside of my head has been dark...so very dark.  Emotionally, mentally, and physically, I am unwell.  Ever fiber of my body aches.  My muscles hurt.  My body is exhausted.  Emotionally, I am a wreck.  Mentally, I'm unstable.  I cannot seem to work up the motivation to do my homework or to care about my grades (which is something I've always cared about before).  All that I can focus on or think about is how much I want to be home. I miss my home.  I miss my family.  I miss my friends.  I want to hug my mom.  I want to be wrapped up in my dad's arms.  I want to see my sisters and brothers, to talk to them, to laugh with them, to hug them all. To be sure, Australia is wonderful and I have enjoyed it immensely.  I don't take such an opportunity as this lightly and I am so grateful that I was able to spend this semester studying in Australia.  I have learned so much during my time here and have grown and changed so much as well.  I am not the same person I was three months ago.  The Lord has taught me so much.  If I were to go back in time, I would still choose to study abroad in Australia.  However, I am so ready to be back home.  I guess this time has shown me that, at this point in my life, living overseas is not for me.  I was planning on going overseas once I graduate, so this has been a good test to see how I handle it (not very well, obviously.  Four months is long enough).

Yesterday, I went to the CHC Beach Day with some lovely people from CHC and enjoyed a relaxing day while putting off doing homework for one more day. Today, I finally forced myself to write an essay that is due next week.  I've been putting it off for days.  I also managed to find the energy to clean my room, do laundry, wash my bed sheets, vacuum my bedroom and bathroom, and clean the kitchen (although that was just me procrastinating and putting off the essay, but still).  I am struggling but I am hanging in there.  I know that I can make it through the next three weeks till I return home.  And I know I will desperately miss Australia and the relationships and friendships that I have built with people here once I am gone.  So I'm trying my hardest to hang on and enjoy my last few weeks here, despite how homesick I am.  Prayers are vastly appreciated, as I attempt to finish this semester out over the next three weeks. 

Land of the Hobbits and Penguins - Spring Break 2016 (round two)

Last week was spring break, which seems so weird to say, considering it's October and to me, October is not spring.  It was such a wonderful and magical time!  I traveled to Auckland, New Zealand and Melbourne in Australia with Paige and Oksana and we had a blast!  It is so surreal to me that I have now lived for over three months in Australia and I have also traveled to New Zealand!  New Zealand was so beautiful and I could not get over how green and lush everything was!  We had an encounter with a herd of cows, I tried to climb up a rock and fell on my back, we got to experience Waitomo glowworm caves, and a natural hot springs stream.  The glowworm caves were so amazing.  We got to walk around in this really cool cave before getting on a small boat and drifting along a river inside the cave, gazing up at the caves walls and ceiling that was covered with glowworms.  We weren't allowed to take pictures inside the cave, which was sad, however we got some pictures just outside the cave, by the river.  The natural hot springs/stream was equally cool.  We donned our bathing suits and hopped in for a nice warm soak.  It was like natures spa!  

Melbourne was equally beautiful although quite different.  The city is glorious and grand.  We got to go to St. Kilda beach, which was beautiful, enjoyed a gorgeous sunset, and got to walk onto the pier where there were penguins!  They were so freaking cute!  I have decided I need one.  Also, had no idea until we were there that Australia even had penguins.  Apparently they are the smallest of the penguin species. 

The greatest adventure while on break was simply driving a rental car...it is an odd experience driving a car on the left side of the road.  Once I got the hang of it, it was rather simple, at least in New Zealand.  However, in Melbourne, where it is a much bigger city, it was a bit stressful and difficult and nerve wracking.  The traffic laws are bizarre (you use the left lane to turn right....like, who does that?!) and the drivers in Melbourne are rather aggressive and down right rude.  However, we all survived my driving and nobody died, so I call that a success!  

As magical and wonderful as Spring Break was, I feel like I need a vacation from my vacation.  I am thoroughly worn out from all the traveling and sight seeing that we did in both Auckland and Melbourne.  I also am extremely ready to go home.  Something about spring break drove home to me how ready I am to return to my family back home.  Maybe it's because I'm not used to vacations that don't include my family. Maybe it's because I have so much to tell them about and share with them.  Maybe it's because the break was so wonderful and it made me want to return home so I can tell them all about it.  Or maybe it's just because it's been three months since I have been able to hug them. Either way, during the break I couldn't stop thinking about how, when the break ended, I wanted to be able to fly home, rather than return back to school for another month.  But that is a tale for another blog post.

There's an alleyway street (Hosier Lane) in Melbourne that has amazing street art!

 

These massive and delicious shakes were from a place called Johnny Pump's. 

Cute little family!

Penguin!

Melbourne

 

 

 

I got to vacation with these cuties!

 

Our ride while in New Zealand!

gorgeous beach in New Zealand

This tree was super cool.  I love trees!

This are delicious...highly recommend!

New Zealand sheep

We ate at this absolutely amazing Turkish restaurant...it was so good!